Crazy for you
by MC Bossk and DJ-88
Summary: When a new member of the team is having a birthday and doesn't want to celebrate, Roach decides that just wont do. This is more of a High 'T' low 'M' rating on the content. GAYNESS AHEAD! Be warned that means Boy x Boy! NO FLAMES! Read and Review plz.


Roach stretched his arms and yawned as he walked into the makeshift 'living room' the 141 had made which consisted of four couches, two TVs, and one large table. Sitting around are Ghost, Soap, and Archer while Toad and Meat were talking/watching TV. Roach walked over to MacTavish.

"Hey, did you hear that loud bang last night? Or was that lightening from a storm?" Soap laughed while Archer pouted. Roach looked Archer over thinking he saw something different but snapped his attention back to Soap when he spoke.

"Nah, wasn't a storm ya heard last night. T'was the new recruit shootin' and stabbin' at Archer and Meat." Roach cocked his head to the side.

"Why?" Soap began laughing harder.

"'cause tha idiots thought they could haze him with some markers but turned out, tha rookie sleeps with a hand cannon under his pillow! Nearly splattered what little brains Archer has all over 'is room floor!" While Soap kept laughing, Archer pouted.

"Yeah. If Meat hadn't tripped and fallen into me I'd be headless. But I still lost a good chunk of my ear." Then Roach saw it, Archer's entire right ear lobe was gone and what wasn't vaporized had a round edge to it. Roach couldn't help the chuckle that escaped his lips.

"Well Arch, you said you wanted to get your ear pierced." This made Soap laugh even harder than before, almost falling out of his chair and his face beet red. Archer grumbled, got up, and walked away muttering under his breath. A little while later Soap calmed down and everyone went about what little normal business there was to be had which mostly meant lying around and doing nothing. It got to the point where Roach challenged Ghost to a duel of wits… which meant he was already screwed. An hour later found them nearing the end of a game of chess.

"Roach, you can't win." Roach huffed and moved a chess piece forward.

"Watch me." Ghost sighed then moved his queen.

"Checkmate." Roach stood up quickly and yelled.

"Dammit! You cheat!" Ghost was about to reply but instantly became silent, as did the rest of the room. Roach paused, he knew only three people who could cause such silence. One being General Shepard, but he was in Afghanistan, and Ghost was right in front of him, so that only left the rookie or Безумные as his previous teammates called him. In English it means either 'Crazy, Insane, or Mad', all of which the 141 thought he was. So they adopted his nickname but just called him Crazy. Crazy is an ex Spetsnaz sniper, specially recruited to the 141 because of his knowledge of Russian military tactics after being discharged for and I quote 'Being too brutal during combat'. Coming from Russians, that's not an easy thing to call someone since they usually all are already brutal.

So when he was brought in, everyone was on edge around him. For one he never smiles. Never. You could do the funniest thing on earth and not even get a crack of a smile from him. Another reason, and the most obvious, is because he is a full blooded Russian who has, from what intel they could gather, killed members of the 141 before, a prime example would be the person who Roach was sent to replace. And finally, because when they found him, after a mission, he was strangling a squirrel repeating something in Russian angrily while it squeaked in his grip. Later I found out that it was, _'Don't you steal my hat, don't you __**DARE **__steal my hat!'_. Soap accepted Crazy with open arms when he had first arrived, but the others were and are more than hesitant when they talk to (or try to, he usually never talks to anyone except MacTavish) him. The one thing that makes them all distance themselves from him more than anything though… is just his aura. Now it might sound silly but he just seems to radiate death, especially when he is angry.

Now his cold, dead gray eyes swept over the room quickly from the doorway before he walked over to the fridge. Roach watched him as he dug through the scraps of food and bottles of beer. He then took the time to really take in his features. Crazy has a thin face, a very young looking face, but it had a hardness to it that seemed to fit his personality. His skin is deathly pale, probably as white as snow. But where snow is fluffy and soft looking, his skin looks thin, almost translucent, and rough. Though he has no facial hair he seemed to be the burliest man in the room.

The only soft feature of him had to be his jet black hair in which he seemed to have dyed a dark, blood red line straight down the middle of his short hair. Though it fit him perfectly, it just looks silk soft from a distance. Right now his attire was a pair of camouflage military issue pants, black Spetsnaz standard issue boots, and no shirt which showed off his Spetsnaz military tattoo that was right over his heart and the multitude of scars littering his body. The only other thing on him was an AK-74u modified submachine gun clipped to his hip with a few other clips of ammo. Nobody ever questioned why he has it but since they saw it, they all kept their side arms with them at all times, just in case. He stood up and grumbled something in Russian before turning around and addressing everyone in his deceptively deep Russian accented voice.

"Who stole my sandvich?" At first nothing happened… until someone coughed behind Roach. When he turned around he saw Meats face was void of color with a horror stricken look as his mouth was half full and in his hand was the other half of what looked like a salami and mustard sandwich. Roach didn't turn around when he heard the footfalls of combat boots walk from behind him and past him towards Meat who hadn't moved he was so horror stricken just seemed to shrink a little into the sofa. Crazy stood next to Meat who looked him in the eye. Though Crazy was not the tallest of the 141 he might as well be looming over Meat by six feet from the look on Meats' face. When Crazy spoke Meat seemed like he tried to shrink into himself.

"You like sandvich, da?" Meat looked around for help but when none came he looked back up at the cold, deadly stare and shakily nodded yes before swallowing. Crazy nodded with an uncaring look on his face as he began to pace around Meat, like a wolf to its prey. "Vell I happy somevone is enjoying sandvich. Because I vould love to be eating sandvich now. Especially since it vas last of salami, and knowing how command vorks. It vill be many sandvishless months before more is sent here. A shame, because I really like salami sandviches." He stopped in front of Meat and leaned in very close to his face and muttered, "I really… really like salami sandviches." Suddenly a little *plop!* came from the ground and everyone looked to see that the other half of the sandwich had fallen on the floor causing silent gasps to come from the 'audience'. Meat glanced back up at Crazy and regretted it, as he saw that Crazy's left eye was twitching. His hand was reaching for his AK but it suddenly stopped. Instead he grabbed Meat by the collar and stood him up and brought him to his eye level, eliciting a yelp from the large man.

"Normally I vould blast you to ribbons now…" Everyone was holding their breath and slowly reaching for their sidearms at the same time. "But… since it my birthday I vill be generous and let off hook dis time." And then he let go causing Meat to crumple to the ground, and in panic, scramble away from Crazy. Crazy sighed and walked back over to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of cheap vodka. On his way out he said not even looking back at them, "If anyvone needs me, I vill be in room drinking self to death. Do svidaniya fucktards." Then he left the room with the grace of a juggernaut, slamming the door shut on his way out. All was quiet for a few moments until Roach spoke.

"Is it really his birthday today?" MacTavish ran a hand over his face and look at Roach with a slight look of relief.

"Yeah… but he told me he doesn't want anyone ta mention it." Both of us turned our heads when vomiting sounds could be heard from the far corner as Meat upchucked the sandwich, no longer able to stomach it knowing that it had almost cost him his life. Soap turned back to Roach. "I don' think it'd be a good idea to celebrate like we usually do. Prolly' cause more harm than good in 'is case." Roach nodded but still didn't like the idea of a birthday going uncelebrated, back in America they always celebrated with much flair.

Later during lunch Roach and Ghost were sitting at a lunch table eating some stuff they found in the fridge that wasn't moldy. It was quiet as both ate, Ghost only showing his mouth as he did only around Roach as he ate. '_Now or never…_'

"So I was thinking… maybe we should get something for Crazy for his birthday." Ghost almost choked on his cold chicken, Roach having to slap his back a couple times to help. Able to breathe again Ghost looked over to him with a solid frown on his lips.

"Are you wantin' yer head shot off?" Now it was Roach's turn to frown.

"No. Just thought we could do something nice is all, back in America we always celebrate it. Especially in my family, they always make a big deal about it. Just doesn't seem right not to give him anything at all." Ghost seemed to mull it over… from what little he could see of his face. Ghost let out a long sigh before pulling down his mask again.

"So if we do this… what do you s'pose we get 'im?" Roach shrugged, poking his oddly colored pizza pocket.

"Maybe some vodka or a new attachment for his AK-74; I don't know. What do you think would make a good present?" Ghost seemed to contemplate this… or something for a while before replying.

"I could try to sneak into 'is room; see what he likes. But I like my skin where it is on my body." Since he didn't say that he would do so… Roach put on his best puppy face.

"That isn't goin' to work bug."

Roachs' eyes just seemed to grow bigger.

"You're not that convincing."

The light they were in made his eyes sparkle.

"Not even if you paid me in hundreds."

His bottom lip began to shake a little.

"Gah… fine. But you _owe_ me big time bug. Now jus'… stop with tha' look." Roach smiled cockily as he picked up his half eaten mutant looking pizza pocket and threw it away on his way out.

"Let me know what you find!" He said before exiting.

About two hours later found Roach sitting back at the chess table again, this time playing against Soap. Soap moved his rook.

"Checkmate. Ghost was right, yer awful at this game." Roach was about to tip the table over, bolted to the floor or no, when Ghost walked in. Forgetting about the cheater, he knew he was… they all were, he went over to Ghost who just stood there awkwardly by the doorway seeming to hide something behind his back.

"Hey, what'd you find?" Ghost shuffled his feet a little before producing a magazine from behind his back without a word. It looked a year or two old and was in Russian. But what caught his eye though was the scantily clad Russian soldier, obviously male, in nothing more than a G-string, combat boots, and a ushanka while crouched down and seeming to be grinding his crotch against an Ak-47 with a soviet flag in the background. That was… a little shocking. Roach took it from him and looked through it, not understanding a word of it but getting this gist from the… very graphic images which were very similar to the cover but more… naked and buttsex involved. They taught him to speak the language, not read it. He turned the magazine to the side and was rewarded with the page he was currently on unraveling to show a much large picture of… let's just say a shotgun barrel should NOT go into there. A chuckled broke Roach's gawking.

"Enjoyin' yerself I see." Roach looked down and saw that he himself had a boner, causing Ghost to laugh a little louder. "Well, I will be goin' now ta let you review 'is likes in peace. Though it seems you two have similar tastes." And with that he took his leave. Blushing, Roach folded the page back up before going back into the room and sitting down on the empty couch. As he flipped through he was getting a really good idea of what to do for his birthday. That is, until he found a page that he could totally do for his birthday.

"Hey Soap." Soap, who had been cleaning his gun at the table, replied.

"Wha' is it bug, time to beat yer arse at chess again is it?" Ignoring the barb, Roached continued.

"Do you still have the floor length fur coat the guys got you for Christmas last year?" Soap didn't look up.

"Yeah, wha' you want with it? It's 85 degrees out."

"You don't like it do you?"

"No. I don't s'pose I do. Yeh still haven't told me what yeh want it for." Meat who had finally recovered his stomach from the trash bin had been listening to their conversation, curious as to what he wanted the coat for as well; he snuck up behind Roach seat and looked over his shoulder.

"Whoa!" Quickly Roach closed the magazine and sat down on it, glaring daggers at Meat who just looked at him with a shocked look. "I… didn't take you for that kind of guy Roach." Now seemingly interested in what was going on, Soap looked up. Roach grabbed meat by the front of his shirt and dragged him down to his eye level.

"Listen-" he muttered, careful not to have Soap or the others hear, "-you tell anyone about what you saw, and I will personally see if you have any more sandwich in your stomach with my knife." Paling, Meat nodded before walking off, stomach queasy once more. Roach looked back over to Soap who was leaning on his hand with a brow raised.

Through careful negotiations, favors called, and slight bribery, Roach got everything he needed in place in a spare room on the other side of the base and got everything he needed in place. It was pitch black and dinner was about to be called, perfect timing for what he had planned. That left only one thing to do, which was complete when I slid the note under Crazy's door. Now I just had to get back to the room and wait.

'Uuuugh… this vodka doesn't even get me drunk proper... stupid British…' I lifted the vodka bottle once more to my mouth yet did not feel the burn against my lips, only air. Getting up from my chair I head to my door to go get more but instead lean my head against the cool wood surface. When I opened my eyes I noticed a folded piece of paper by my feet. Careful as to keep my balance, I bend down and pick it up. Surprised, I read the message which was in clumsy Russian.

'_Come to the room in the rarely used building on the edge of the base. I have big surprise for you.'_ There was no signature but there was a definite musk to the letter which was very enticing. Curious as to who it was I left my room, bottle in hand, and walked to said building which wasn't as far away as I thought… or was it? Fuck it. Immediately when I entered I was enveloped in a wave of cold air. It was very nice… reminded me of home. I walked further in and closed the door, cutting off the sounds of outside. Immediately a soft melody was heard further in. Following it lead me to a doorway, a warm glow emanated from the crack under the door. I opened the door and just about had a heart attack… but in a good way.

Sitting on what was obviously a weapons crate was a man in a black ski mask wearing a floor length brown fur coat and combat boots, a dragunov sniper rifle rested against his body in between his legs. The room itself was slightly warmer, a fake fireplace off to the side glowed with its flames brightly, casting the man in a very… sexy… light. There is also a large fur pelt on the floor, making a rather comfy looking rug with some old Russian tango playing in the background. My eyes were drawn to the figure now as he spoke in a clear, mysterious, yet slightly familiar Russian voice.

"_Hello there…_" His voice came out as a purr that sent vodka saturated blood down to my nether regions.

"_H-Hello…_" The man spread his legs a little wider, stroking the sniper rifle gently. Clearly the man wasn't wearing pants.

"_You look cold…_" The man used his free hand to pull open the fur coat to show very well defined muscle which was covered with a few scars. It was confirmed that the only other thing he was wearing at the moment appeared to be a thong with a very dirty Russian word printed clearly in gold on the impressive bulge of the red thong. "_…would you like to join me?_" The vodka bottle slipped from my hands and smashed against the floor, but I took no notice as I walked into the room and closed the door.

Soap looked around the mess hall… something was missing. Or to be accurate, two somethings.

"Oi, Ghost." Said man looked up at Soap from his dinner.

"Wha'?"

"Where is Roach n' Crazy?" Ghost looked around before shrugging.

"Prolly' givin' 'is present to Crazy." Soap didn't miss the slight chuckle on the end of that sentence.

"And what present is tha'?" Ghost didn't reply but Soap could tell he was smiling under that blasted mask of his. Since there wasn't any alarms going off and no gunfire Roach was still alive which was good. Soap just hoped that whatever the present was, it at least made Crazy smile.

Crazy slumped onto Roach, both bodies sweaty but sated. Crazy knew it was Roach when he began yelling in ecstasy in the middle of his 'present'. But it didn't matter at the moment; all that mattered was the man under him and how much he had made him feel happy on a usual sad day. Crazy leaned down and kissed the cloth covered mouth of Roach before rolling over off of him. Followed by a wet *slurp* as Crazy rolled onto his back next to Roach on the fur pelt. In a moment of emotion, Crazy reached over and laced his fingers with Roach's left hand. Roach scooted over to Crazy's side and laid his head on Crazy's chest, letting out a content sigh before slipping into a peaceful sleep.

Crazy used his free hand to take another swig from the vodka bottle that Roach had brought with him before corking it. It was a great Russian brew, not the British piss they passed off as vodka. With a proper buzz and sated in a way that he had only dreamed of, he too drifted off to sleep.

The next morning at breakfast in the mess hall all was normal… that was until Roach walked in with Crazy right behind him. All became silent for a moment as both stopped and seemed to look around for a seat in the packed mess hall. Roach nudged and motioned over to where Soap and Ghost were sitting, who were watching them like many others were secretly. Suddenly Crazy gave Roach a slap on the ass and groped causing many in the room to gasp or to stare wide eyed. But what made many slacked jawed is when Roach turned around and gave him an open mouthed kiss. When they parted to even more surprise was that Crazy was smiling like a fool as he went to get two trays of food and Roach went over to the table where the two stunned superior officers were. The first to speak after he sat down was MacTavish.

"What th' bloody hell was tha' all about?" Roach just smiled as he blushed.

"Nothing sir…" Crazy sat down next to Roach and set both their trays down before sitting himself, his neutral cold self back in place. Grinning, Roach leaned over and kissed him on the cheek before whispering something in Russian to him. That, for what seemed to everyone a huge surprise, Crazy smiled. It seems that's going to be a more common occurrence, not that they were going to argue. The more he smiled, the less their skins were in danger.


End file.
